Where Was God When I Was Being Abused?

By David Dicken Jr. July 2026

God’s Presence in Our Suffering

A young woman I support who was sexually assaulted by her boyfriend once asked me, “Where was God when I was being violently attacked?”

That is a profound question—one that deserves an honest answer. It is also a question many survivors of abuse ask.

I responded by opening the story of Job and reflecting her question back to her: “Where was God in Job’s suffering?” Job had done nothing wrong, yet he suffered deeply, losing his family, possessions, and nearly everything he held dear. Where was God?

Perhaps the answer begins with another question: Why did God give us the book of Job?

One reason may be to remind us that hardship and suffering are not evidence that we have done something wrong. Yet many survivors carry the shame and stigma of abuse, believing the harm they experienced was somehow their fault. Too often, I hear people say, “She must have done something.” Those words sound remarkably similar to the responses of Job’s friends, who tried to explain his suffering by assuming he must have done something wrong. Instead of comforting Job, they increased his pain by placing blame on him.

God gave us the book of Job to show us that when we experience the deepest forms of abandonment, neglect, or betrayal, we are never truly alone. God is with us in our suffering, and He wants every survivor to know this: what happened to you was not your fault.

God Is Present—Even in Moments of Unimaginable Suffering and Violence

God wants us to know that He cares about us and our feelings, even during seasons of trauma and pain. We see this clearly through Jesus.

Jesus assured His disciples:

“Surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
—Matthew 28:20

Even when we cannot see Him or sense His presence, He remains our faithful companion, walking with us through every season of life.

Jesus also told His disciples:

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.”
—John 14:18

Why Did Jesus Mention Orphans?

Because orphans represented some of the most vulnerable members of society—those without protection, power, or someone to advocate for them. Many experienced unimaginable abandonment, neglect, and betrayal, often at the hands of the very people who were supposed to protect them. Far too often, the trauma they endure convinces them that they are defective, irredeemable, and unlovable. A lack of understanding about what children experience in foster care can lead to a lack of empathy. But Jesus understands. His heart was continually moved with compassion toward those who were hurting, forgotten, and overlooked. Throughout His earthly ministry, we see Him drawing near to the marginalized, the rejected, the wounded, and the social outcasts. He became a shepherd to the lost sheep. Jesus also had strong words about how the vulnerable are treated by those with privilege and power. Read Matthew 25 carefully and pay attention to what He says about the sheep and the goats. Jesus makes it clear that how we respond to those who are suffering reveals something profound about our relationship with Him.

God’s Pursuit of Us Never Stops

Returning to my conversation with the young woman who survived a violent attack by her boyfriend, sometime later she asked me another profound question:

“Did Jesus choose me, or did I choose Him?”

Before I could answer, she continued:

“I realize it couldn’t have been me choosing Him because after the abuse I experienced, I was so angry with Him. He must have chosen me. And if He chose me even when I was angry with Him, then all I want now is to know Him more.”

Those words changed the direction of our conversation. Instead of only asking where God had been, she began to recognize that He had never stopped pursuing her. In that moment, she discovered something profound: God’s pursuit of us is not dependent on our ability to pursue Him. Even in seasons of anger, confusion, and deep suffering, His love, care, and concern remain steadfast.

Trauma, Shame, and the Loss of Connection

God’s faithful presence also teaches us something important about healing: abuse does not simply wound the body or the mind—it wounds relationships.

Abuse creates relational disconnection. The violence itself produces separation, and the responses of others can deepen that separation. Survivors often become disconnected from themselves, from God, and from others. Many also lose connection with their own emotions and feelings.

Dr. Steven Tracy and his wife, Celestia, in their book Mending the Soul, write:

“We’re convinced that shame is the most powerful emotion—overwhelming, directing, and transforming all other emotions, thoughts, and experiences.”

They reference John Bradshaw, who describes shame as the “master emotion” because when it becomes internalized, it influences how people experience every other emotion.

If abuse trauma produces connection loss, then healing begins with restoring connection. The violence survivors experience can be so overwhelming that it often leaves them feeling helpless, hopeless, and even disgusted with themselves. Trauma can create shame-based beliefs that they are somehow dirty, damaged, or unworthy of love and acceptance. These painful beliefs and trauma responses can lead to profound isolation and a diminished desire to be around others—including attending church or participating in community settings. Shame does not simply tell survivors that something terrible happened to them; it can convince them that something is wrong with them. It distorts their understanding of who they are, creating a deep sense of disgust toward themselves and disconnecting them from the truth of their God-given identity.

This internal conflict can leave others wondering: “Why doesn’t this person receive our love and acceptance?” The answer is often found in how survivors have come to see themselves.

When someone believes they are “less than”, damaged, or undeserving, it can be incredibly difficult to receive the love others freely offer. Trauma becomes an assault on their beautifully created identity, distorting the way they see themselves and shaping the way they believe others see them.

Healing is not meant to happen in isolation. God designed us to heal in relationship so that we no longer have to walk through our pain alone. Yet the shame survivors carry can make them feel as though their very presence contaminates the room—even when they know they were the victim and did nothing wrong. This is one of the cruelest effects of trauma: the person who was harmed begins to carry the shame that belongs to the person who caused the harm.

Healing Through Restored Connection

Job’s story reminds us that healing begins with honesty and safe relationships. Throughout his painful journey, Job was honest about his feelings. He did not hide his grief, confusion, or questions from God. In Job chapter 3, he expressed the depth of his suffering by cursing the day of his birth. In chapter 10, he cried out to God:

“Why then did you bring me out of the womb?”
—Job 10:18

These were raw expressions of deep pain, confusion, and suffering. Job was human, and his responses reflect the reality of being human. In the midst of overwhelming pain, he brought his true emotions before God. God did not reject Job for expressing his anguish. Instead, Scripture shows us that bringing our deepest emotions, questions, and struggles to God is part of an authentic relationship with Him. God was safe. Job knew he could bring his deepest pain, confusion, and even his negative emotions into God’s presence without fear of rejection.

Unlike Job’s friends, who responded with judgment and explanations for his suffering, God allowed Job the space to be fully human—to grieve, question, and express what was happening inside of him. Healing begins when survivors experience safe relationships where they are met with compassion, acceptance, and belonging.

Connection Helps Restore What Trauma Tried to Steal

Jill, who developed an eating disorder after being sexually assaulted at the age of 12, wrote in her memoir:

“I’ve learned something in the years since: healing doesn’t come from hitting a number on a scale. It comes from being witnessed. From being known. From refusing to disappear.

And if no one else will say it, I will.

I was sick. I was scared. And I deserved better.”

Reestablishing connection is one of the most powerful aspects of healing for an abuse survivor. Trying to understand why the abuse happened or searching for someone to blame is rarely fruitful. Instead, choosing to connect with the survivor is one of the greatest gifts we can offer—especially to someone carrying deep shame and guilt. Many survivors believe they were somehow responsible for the abuse, particularly when they knew or trusted the perpetrator. Some even feel ashamed for what they perceive as allowing it to happen. By intentionally reaching out and building a caring relationship, we become part of the healing process. We help reduce shame and replace the lies trauma has created with truth. Healthy relationships help survivors rediscover who they truly are. Abuse survivors often begin to define themselves by what happened to them or by the lies spoken or implied by the abuser. But those lies do not define them. Our consistent presence, acceptance, and genuine care remind survivors of their true identity—their inherent worth and dignity as people created in the image of God.

Abuse is profoundly dehumanizing. It strips away a person’s sense of dignity, safety, belonging, and control. Many survivors continue to relive the abuse through intrusive memories, flashbacks, or years of unresolved trauma, leaving them feeling powerless long after the abuse has ended.

But Trauma Does Not Get the Final Word

God delights in you (Zeph 3:17). Healthy, safe relationships help restore what trauma tried to steal. As survivors experience respect, acceptance, and genuine belonging, they gradually regain a sense of control, rediscover their voice, reclaim their identity, and begin to experience the freedom that trauma could never permanently take away. 

Abuse and trauma isolate. Connection restores belonging. Belonging restores identity. A restored identity builds confidence and opens the door for survivors to begin experiencing hope again.

Reflecting on God’s Presence in Our Pain

How do you feel when you read that "God delights in you" (Zephaniah 3:17)?

Have you ever felt like disappearing? What does Jill's decision to "refuse to disappear" stir in your heart?

What would getting connected to a small community of like-minded people look like for you?

Who are the safe people God may be inviting you to connect with?

What is one step you could take this week to build a meaningful connection with others?